Casual Courtship = Irresponsible Dating

I believe that love is the most powerful force that we as humans have been given by God. God IS love, and everything that was accomplished from the foundations of the earth has been an extension of that very love. So if God IS love, and if He dwells in us, it is then through a relationship with God that we as Christians come to know His perfect love, thereby enabling us to extend a more perfect love than we did before Christ.

Those of us who are walking in God’s saving grace each day have knowledge of perfect love. However, understanding and receiving the miracle of God’s perfect love in our lives is not all we are required to do. We should be living according to the standard of God’s purity and holiness, His standard of a more perfect love than is possible without Him. Each decision we make, each conversation we have, each day we work, talk, live, act and breathe should reflect exactly how perfect God’s love truly is. (On a side note, personally I believe God does not expect that we attain perfection but that we constantly strive for perfection, but that is another conversation for another time).

This brings me to my biggest frustration regarding dating/courtship. Surprisingly, it is not the modern definition of “dating” to which society clings that upsets me. How can I expect anything but shallow, meaningless attempts at lasting relationships when they have not experienced the one true and perfect love there is? There are, of course, exceptions to this rule: marriages that are not centered on Christ that do find a way to succeed, relationships that last a lifetime even though they do not lean on the source of strength we have come to know Christ to be. While the philosophies of social dating are in my opinion very wrong, it is with the church’s acceptance of these practices that I find the biggest fault.

Now, it is important for you to know that I am not completely on the side of courtship, and will not defend a lot of its teachings. I do not believe it is simply sufficient for everyone to pray about who God wants them to marry, wait for an answer, and marry soley on what they believe to be the Word of God. I am sure that some have faith enough for this, but I do not think many of us do; I know I do not. Personally, I wanted to have a relationship with the man I would spend my forever with; I desired a deep knowledge of who the he is (as much as you can know about a person before living with them, which brings many revelations about your partner and yourself!); a better understanding of with whom I would be building my life.

“Courtship” does have its virtues: focusing on purity rather than temporary satisfaction, teaching that God should be the valued center of any relationship, starting the relationship by seeking direction from the One who is a rock through any storm and a shelter in the times of trouble sure to come. These is certainly no fault to be found in these philosophies.

This blog was not to be an in-depth discussion of the pros and cons of courtship; my intent, however, is to express my disappointment in the recent trend of the church toward a more social dating atmosphere, rather than a pure, holy, Godly approach to dating.

I do not believe under any circumstances the philosophies of courtship or of dating are completely right or completely wrong. I believe the proper approach to the topic is to find a balance between the two. To simply rely on one’s ability to hear from God regarding their spouse is not always a sound solution; neither is it wise to rely completely and fully on our spiritual oversight about a decision as life-changing and permanent as marriage. While it would be ideal if our Pastors, teachers, or spiritual leaders could be correct 100% of the time, the fact remains that they remain human, and are thereby bound, by their very nature, to be wrong some of the time. Considering you are the one who will wake up each day with your spouse, and you are the one who will have to decide for the rest of your life to make this marriage work, because marriage truly is work, YOU are the only person qualified to say, “I do.”

While the ultimate decision does rest entirely in your hands, this does not absolve you from the process of accountability to your local church, your pastor, teachers or spiritual leaders. In order to make a good decision, you must remain teachable and accountable to those who are looking out for your welfare; however, this does not mean your decision should hinge entirely on their opinion of the matter.

With that said, we can now discuss what is bothering me so badly about the decisions Christians are making regarding their courtship relationships. How, by any stretch of the word, is it okay to be “in love” with one person in April, and another in May? It is not okay! It is casual courtship and has become just as irresponsible as social dating of the unsaved. Moreover, it diminishes the value of love. Let me explain. By declaring your love for someone, you are pledging to them your life. It is not something you throw around to just anyone for the sake of fuzzy feelings or rushes of adrenaline.

I think it is more than worth waiting for the “right one” to come along; do not misunderstand me, I do not believe there is one magically right person for each of us. Marriage is a committment and love is a decision rooted in emotion. You commit to making it work. You dedicate your life to the physical, emotional and sexual safe-keeping of another. God never violates principles for the sake of purpose. While you may claim you are “following God’s will” for your life, you must remember that God most certainly does not will for you to break another’s heart to “follow His purposes.” He loves all of His children equally; why would he prefer one to another, and cause you to walk away from someone you have committed to for the sake of “his purpose.”

I said all of that to say, If you would like to date Sally in August and Bambi in September, feel free. It is your decision. If you want to say “I love you” just because it is what your significant other wants to hear, then go ahead, you are more than welcome to be that shallow. And should you decide that you want to casually move from relationship to relationship (to relationship), they are hearts you are willing to break. Call it what it is - dating.